the last of the real blogs

thousands have requested it but don't call it a comeback

2006-03-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

i have seen and done many things in the most recent of months. one thing i haven't done is quell the bloodthirsty desire of all my vampiric, teet-sucking fans. for that, i am deeply and terribly sorry to you, john, tatlock, and touchdown.

okay, first thing's least important. my best friend in all of the world, john, has an insane, hot, and insanely hot girlfriend, marguerita... melanie... melthorpe... megan? mange? oh, hell. i forgot her name but not her rack.

all kidding aside... she's smokin' and john's pokin'.

i have been making a side living playing poker. i probably make an extra $750 american dollaroonies per month playing this wicked game. i am so good sliced bread kneels down before me and says in a defeated tone, "you are an improvement on me. i bow my head 'fore you my liege. i have been vexed and beaten at every turn in this war. my wife. my children. my FAMILY! everyone. 'lo and behold. cast your gazes towards the sky. no. further. to god Raphael with thine weary eyes, for aside god Raphael sits his son, your new king: adam of the far reaching land. saints be praised. he hath arrived." so that's what sliced bread says to me now.

what was that thing that i used to do on here that i enjoyed so much? let me think... was it...
LLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

list of my most recent favorite things:
- king of hearts and queen of hearts: i made a fucking royal flush on that hand playing royal hold 'em online. it was magic. like that retarded kid scoring 20 points in 4 minutes in his first and only high school basketball game.
- that retarded kid scoring 20 points in 4 minutes in his first and only high school basketball game. butter.
- 'i was there when it happened' by johnny cash. not really a very memorable song but it sticks in my head every time i think about times i hid in the closet when all my dealer friends.... oh, nevermind.
- my girlfriend... well, we broke up but we still talk, have sex, go on dates, yell at me. so we're still together.
- really, really irritating tips from my trainers at my new job. i work at chili's now, btw. they say words like 'awesome' and 'chilihead' and 'thanks'. and they use them all at every intersection of the english language possible. example: 'hey, bro. could you just awesome up that plate of nachos? it really needs the chilihead touch. thanks, chilihead. awesome. just awesome. hey, chiliheads! come and look how chilihead awesomed up this, thanks, plate of chilihead nachos wow awesome thanks.' usually they try to sound like they are saying something productive and relevant to our job bu it all just ends up being a string of non- sequiters.
- sex with my 'girlfriend'. i may just want to stay broken up if the sex is this fucking good. it's like fucking for the first time. or last time, too... i imagine.

that's it for now but not forever. good night and good luck.

"i'm fucked up so if i fuck it up, fuck it."- me, playing guitar for my family last sunday

2005-11-23T16:51:00.000-08:00

i've got to say, there seem to be a lot of hollywood 'it' types running around and i think it's time they have their own list...

'it' lard-ass sleeze bag goes to: chris penn- here is why chris penn and not danny aiello, john. danny aiello hasn't been in a spike lee joint in a while and lacks the necess'ry traits that chris penn has a stranglehold on in hollywood. see also: corky romano, best of the best, starsky and hutch

'it' dead cripp-: nevermind

'it' wuss: topher grace- for no other reason than shameful namesake.

'it' king of pussy everywhere: jude law- sadie frost, sienna miller, marisa tomei, nia long...

'it' actor that tries waaaay too hard: ben foster- i swear to god i went to school with this kid. he used to eat his boogers and play with his snot rockets. i even took to calling him 'ole boogers and snot' patton. but no, this kid was such a dipshit. he always got picked last for everything. even when we were threatened with belts and switches to pick him first. his mom always beat up the little kids that made fun of him for taking acting classes in middle school. what a pussy.

things that are now monkey/cheese (a compendium) but first, my definition of monkey/cheese. forward by adam atwood.

chapter 1

i am the man that knows the perfect way to... say... stuff... well. i have the definitive definition on every definite article, definitely. you might as well call me 'donny definitely'.

chapter 2- the meaning of monkey/cheese

monkey/cheese- adj.- (1) blatant mockery of god (2) the unholy, incestuous union of things that were funny 10 years ago and things that lack any comedic element -n.- (1) the pursuit of laughter at one's own expense (2) imagine a world on fire and carrot top and lily tomlin have to procreate (3) imagine a world on fire and ernest borgnine gives birth to water. monkey/cheese is that fucking irritating

chapter 3- all things monkey/cheese

- monkeys
- cheeses
- crack
- ernest borgnine
- telling a "i was at the park today..." or "on the the way over here i..." joke. lose it, hacks.
- getting her done
- pickle
- sudden and sustained sexual references
- something being 'on acid'
- pot, weed, reefer, mary jane, po- po's, five- o's, honky's, copperheads, stars and stripes, cherries and berries, the heat, the fuzz, et al. basically any nickname for anything phil risley uses

ok, that's all i gots. john will have a HUGE comment to leave about this regarding all the shit i left off, defending danny aiello, praising my blog titles and so forth.

tom green's phone number is the new mike jones' phone number. trussmee.

pete's.

superpalegic

2005-11-16T11:50:00.000-08:00

i've taken some serious slams for making fun of christopher reeve lately. but i don't really care. what's he gonna do? he's dead. dead and crippled. he was superman, though, and i've gotta respect that. so disregard every prior mention to the following:

- christopher reeve
- polio "my left foot" arthritis
- superpalegic
- mash potato time
- horses
- christopher reeve's given indian name, falls off horses
- rear window
- clark kent
- clark dented
- wheels
- that cunt from somewhere in time

never again will those things be mentioned by me. i swear. peace.

calling antonio tarver (rocky 6) mason 'the line' dixon is like christopher reeve starring in seabiscuit as polio 'my left foot' arthritis

2005-11-12T10:20:00.000-08:00

i got my cell phone turned back on. so here's my glib mike jones impression: 525-7805.

i've been studying law, too. i've been working on a real pert..na..nante case, too. wanna hear about it? goody gumdrops.

it's case #stardate 101182: stan 'the lariat' hanson vs. 'rowdy' roddy piper

the quabble: the missing hors d'oeuvres of the baskervilles

the solution: steel cage match on pay-per-view

see, i'm a good lawyer. it only took me, like, 10 seconds to solve that case. being a attorney is e-z cheesy. i take a unorthodox approach to being a lawyer, though. i just take the plaintiff and the defendant and listen to their arguments. then, i decide whether to cut their baby in half or make them fight in a steel cage. it's so easy. i didn't even have to go to college to learn lawyering. hell! i didn't even graduate high school and i'm a better lawyer than you, john. college. pshaw. college cheese and college greens is more like it.

y'know? that's just about it, droogies. check out my yahoo 360. my i.d. is tetrisschmetris. also, check out my website www.prettygirlsshitting.com.

peace.

facts about the movie, mndhutnerz. in theaters and out in less than 20 minutes

2005-10-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

here are a few little things you might not be aware of, america, about mindhunters:

-Paul Martin Smith was hired as an editor because the studio was impressed with his work on Star Wars: Episode I- The Phantom Menace.

-Rafe Perry was "an English lend-out to the FBI" according to Renny Harlin.

-As part of LL Cool J's preparation, he lost nearly 40 pounds, and spent time with detectives in Philadelphia homicide.

-The scene in which Sara's head is smashed against glass was accomplished with candy glass and plastic wrap.

-Renny Harlin wanted to limit the use of digital effects because he believed it takes away from the film's credibility.

-All of the time lapse shadow movement in the film was performed digitally.

-The extensive post-production was completed at the historic Twickenham Film Studios in London.

-The screenplay was a spec script (i.e. not commissioned by a studio).

-The studio did not cast any character as a lead. Director Renny Harlin wanted no dummy characters or obvious victims, and established a sense that "anyone could die at any moment" in the film.

-In the theatrical release, Renny Harlin has a short introduction to the film. At nearly 180 minutes, the introduction comprised mostly of him laughing and jerking off on a pile of money he stole from the studio. He explained that he didn't steal it, it was his paycheck for his work on Mindhunters.

mndhutnerz is more appropriate considering who you were probably marketing to

2005-10-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

the more and more i think about it, mindhunters was a slap in the face. it was a generic, poorly done, idiotic slap to the face of everyone with a triple digit iq. we should team up and make a movie aimed towards the slappers. we'll call it shithunters and make it so good the name will be ironic. this was basically an amendment to my prior post.

laters,

adam atwood

crash override, batman and kuffs: a meeting of the mind...hunters

2005-10-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

do you remember your first blowjob?

how long did it take the guy to cum?

did he tell you that you'd be together forever?

i ask these questions because my heart's been broken. i know how it feels, dude. know how it feels.

okay, now to be real. the movie mindhunters... mindhunters. sigh. that movie was so bad it soured my milk. christian slater! yay. ll cool j! gadzooks. johnny lee miller!... christian slater!!! johnny lee miller may have made the worst attempt at a southern(?) accent since keanu reeves in the devil's advocate. maybe that was his goal: to subtly weave into and out of character as he pleases thus creating the appearance that he isn't actually in this movie. if so, genius. if not (like i know is the case), fuck the south for existing. think about it. if the south didn't exist johnny lee miller might not have been in this movie. i have no rationale for this thinking.

it's not like johnny lee miller is the only anchor holding this tugboat down. there is that ugly chick from csi or law and order or whatever, ll cool j, christian slater, a plot almost as silly as donald kaufman's the three from adaptation, several far- reaching murders, the combined acting ability equal to one lee majors and to top all that, you don't get to see val kilmer die until the end, well, almost the end.

to say that i knew who the killer was in the first five minutes is an understatement. i think i knew it from birth. the second i saw hackers in 1995 i said, "johnny lee miller will do for renny harlin what horses did for christopher reeve." seriously. i said that.

i will give the movie one thing. it did instill a fear of god into me about writing a script and accepting movie roles, neither of which i have done, nor am i planning to do. but i guarantee that when wayne kramer was writing this he was all like, "i am a FUCKING GOD! no one will expect someone that isn't val kilmer to be the killer. i have so many signs that point right at him. then when they least expect it BAM it'll look like that chick from csi or whatever. then, curve ball, it'll look like ll cool j. but then, in a surprise twist, it'll actually turn out to be crash override. i'd like to thank the academy, my parents, the thousands of other movies that i just blatantly ripped off..." i just know he thought he had a goldmine in his typewriter. fuck you, wayne kramer. fuck you, renny harlin. fuck you, zero cool.

this movie had more negatives than a photo lab. this movie was made of people. bad people. people with no direction and no home. this movie is mindhunters. this movie is about people hunting minds. my guess is because they don't have any of their own. thank you.

harder than chinese math right now

2005-09-24T12:59:00.000-07:00

i feel better, dave grohl. i feel better knowing that you and your band of 'foo fighters' are out there fighting foo. foo has become less a nuisance than an epidemic. thanks, dave grohl. thank you, foo fighters.

yeah, they suck. it's okay to say it. there is no such thing as foo. they are not protecting us.

i was walking behind some vat the other day in wal-mart and he posed this question to his wife/ huge man. it was regarding a honky/tonk star:

"dwight yoakam's homemade bean dip?! can he do that?"

i know dwight yoakam isn't the most ubiquitous star this side of the mason-dixon BUT he is a star. he can market, distribute, whore out anything and everything he wants to. including his own line of spray-on pants. which he does.

my girlfriend's sister pissed herself last night after a night of debauchery. it stank/stinks now.

that's it, bitches. piece.

go fuck yourself, mr. risley

2005-09-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

the re-worded quote was that of some extreme badass talking, originally, to dick cheney. here. i'll say it this way:

pwned-v./adj.- to be completely and utterly obliterated like you aren't even standing there. seriously, it's like you put a cigar out on someone's soul; the state of comedic and spiritual slavery.

there. i think that just about justifies the absolute weight and magnitude of pwnership.

three jobs again, folks. pwned.

smoking is less a habit than a precursor to putting a cigarette out in your hand. bleedat.

cocaine is less a habit than a precursor to getting your ass handed to you by a bunch of black guys that think you are talking about them when you aren't. that's why i haven't done cocaine since that time i got my ass handed to me by a bunch of black guys that thought i was talking about them but i wasn't. i asked where the bathroom was. i swear.

you read this but it ain't no damned library. fuck off.

here's to me for being funnier than you and it's cold, too

2005-08-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

things i have said that are funny that are recent... hmmmm.... well, here goes:

- "are those your ideas of tits?"- to an abnormally large breasted bitch
- "oh, well, if he didn't show up for work he's fuckin' dead."- to my old boss about my friend, mike
- "good call."- my buddy, marc, upon hearing the news of mike's passing
- "fuck you guys."- everybody, to me and marc
- "adam, you are sooooo fucking lazy. i'm out pulling in $150 a week and you're at home sitting around working four days a week. you only pull in $160 a week. i can't pay all the bills myself."- my dumb girlfriend
- "rimjobs are a favor, baby. i expect one in return."- me

laters.

btw, nat king cole slaw.

"baby, listen. i love you but i'll stick your fucking head through glass if you don't shut your dumb ass up. 'kay?"- me, to my girlfriend

2005-08-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

i said salisbury steak tonight, woman.

i've been having strange dreams lately. here are a few of them. presented in list-o-vision:

- i made a helicopter. not just any helicopter. a helicopter with the blades of a cieling fan... and the heart of a lion. jean- claude van damme is my co- pilot.
- i dreamt that i titled captain beefheart's album 'trout mask replica'.
- i won an olympic silver medal in the 100 second freestyle smoking competition. THEN, i got kicked out of the olympics for smoking.
- i had the most linear dream in history. i dreamt i ate pancakes. that's all that happened.

i took my little boy, dylan, to the circus the other night and the announcer was making all manner of corny jokes. then, he said what is probably the funniest thing i've ever heard, for no other reason than absolute shittiness.

the elephants had begun to march and the announcer, always quick on the draw, said, "they must be going on a long trip. look at the size of that trunk." hours passed until i could breathe again. i laughed for so long at that fucking joke. christ on cancer. the people around me thought i was a retard... until vindication.

the ringleader brought out the lions and tigers to do their shitty, little, unimpressive liger things and my girlfriend says, "look, dylan. lions." i says to her, i says, "honey, that's a lioness. no mane." everyone around me gave me the head-cocked-to-the-side-spaniel-style look. i fucking win.

here's an original idea: queer eye for the queer guy!

and another: let's blame pre- marital pregnancy on the fact that this is seymour fucking indiana and there's nothing better to do than get drunk and have sex. i've heard it all before, dad.

this guy i work with is a dj at a bar on the weekends. his dj name is dj trucker hat thundercat because he wears trucker hats and likes the cartoon, thundercats. he was fired.

alright. laters.

"you starring in a show about books and reading is like tom cruise starring in a movie about vaginas." - greg giraldo

2005-08-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

me and my buddy, john, watched the courtney love- i mean, pam anderson roast and fucked. we didn't get to see the jeffrey ross portion but i know it was the funniest. i just know it. i did get to hear all sorts of courtney love bashing. she got fucked six ways to sunday.

"how is it that kurt cobain looks better than courtney love?"- jeffrey ross

harshest thing ever.

greg giraldo was pretty funny, too. it seemed like the comedy central roast of courtney love and tom cruise. he's such a fag.

i sold liquor to an underage buddy of mine the other day. i am so fucked if i even gave a shit about my job. but i don't so i'm straight.

my son pooped in my bathtub the other night. i was mad up until i found out that he tried to pick it up and throw it. then i was furious. so furious was i that i made my lovely sara go clean it up. i mean i was so mad (snicker, snicker). i would've hit something. so she had to clean it up. or i would've punched him. so i made her do it. i win.

disturbed's new album is called 10,000 fists because it's the sonic equivalent to having 10,000 fists in your butthole at the same time.

so i was sittin' at home with a six pack of game genies, tying my dog's front feet together when i realized, why tie them when i can cut them off. it worked in that movie kingpin when kingpin cuts the feet off the horse. by worked i mean i laughed.

i could do a ton of lists right now (e.g., i.e., fuck you: top ten corey's haim and feldman movies, top ten ways tom cruise is such queer, top ten top ten lists by yours truly) but i am probably just gonna snack. so, laters.

the game genie of beers

2005-08-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

i have been drinking... a shit ton of drinking... of woodchuck cider... and getting DRUNK!!!! but i feel like i'm cheating. it tastes like i'm getting drunk on carbonated cranberry juice. so i'm cheating. while all you fucking meatballs are drinking the diesel and pee bee are i am drinking this delicious ass shit and getting drunk. it's sooooo great.

it's probably not safe to snort things. i have learned that in my 22 (almost 23) years. so lay off the pills, hollandaise sause and cocaine, y'all.

quickly am i growing weary of trying to get famous. i should already be famous. i should be writing for some funny tv show or movie or commercial or something. no one will hire me. that's not my fault. i don't show up to work. whose business is that? i can't pay my bills because i don't work because no one will hire me so i have to commit various crimes and arsenies just to buy myself those woodchucks. the point being, hire me. i won't let you down.

i will. nevermind.

last week, i said frank darabont is remaking shawshank redemption with the same actors. that is actually a true story. he is. he is doing that.

that's probably about it for me... i did way too many pills this weekend to be standing up right now. i'll probably develop a problem so i'll write about that.

mom: adam, are you ok? you look a little bit real fucked up.

me: no, mom. i'm ok. i just took some, uh, drugs.

mom: good drugs or bad drugs.

me: real good ones.

mom: can i have some?

me: i guess. you wanna shoot 'em up?

mom: YES!!!

me: i didn't know you did drugs. this is a bit off-putting.

mom: YOU DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME THAT WAY! I AM YOUR MOTHER! I AM YOUR MOTHER! TAKE ME TO THE SEA! TAKE ME TO THE PLACE I BELONG! I NEED TO BREATHE AGAIN! THE SEA WILL COLLAPSE MY TRAGIC SOUL AND MAKE ME CLEAN AGAIN! BATHE ME IN SALT, OH, TRIDENT, BATHE MY SORROWS IN YOUR NEVER ENDING POOL OF FORGIVENESS!

me: alright, do you want the pixie sticks or children's tylenol? my dealer was a bit low on the candy cigarettes.

mom: pixie sticks.

my mom and i don't do drugs, officers. so leave me alone, square.

mmmmmm, pissed

2005-08-08T15:42:00.000-07:00

one of yahoo's news headlines is as follows:

Jennings' death ushers in uncertain era

just get someone else to read the fucking teleprompter! fuck! there is no uncertainty to that. the news will still happen. believe me. i promise, if there is no news tomorrow i will make some up for you. it doesn't matter who reads it. it doesn't. fucking christ! everyone settle down! i have a whole list of things peter jennings didn't do. he's not all that impressive. look:

- he didn't build the eiffel tower
- he didn't discover fire
- he didn't invent peanut butter
- he didn't do the news up until lung cancer forc- wait...
- he didn't sink the titanic
- he didn't fight in the civil war
- he didn't appear in an mst3k episode
- he didn't commandeer someone's car to rescue any political figurehead... ever!
- he didn't do tattoos
- he didn't put up a fight when he learned he had cancer

there. i win. fuck you, yahoo. chill.

rita rudner and the aww-shucks redemption

2005-08-08T14:33:00.000-07:00

i am a man of many opinions, many of which are founded on no facts and entirely fabricated by me. but that is my right as an american; to be slanderous and liable with no consequences and justice for those who have no idea they are actually comitting a crime they wouldn't care about if they did... yeah. america. so here is a list of people i think are pedophiles:

- conrad bain
- jeremiah wing
- tom cruise
- sir laurence olivier
- napoleon bonaparte
- napoleon kaufman
- napoleon lajoie
- jon heder
- kelby stovall
- the guy from national lampoon's senior trip... 'dags' i think
- tripp eisen
- tucker carlson
- pete townshend
- mc lurch
- grimace
- andy griffith
- paul oakenfold
- wayne kramer

i bet you are wondering why there are no women on that list. well, smartass, it's because women can't penetrate little boys. dumbass.

me and my girlfriend, sara, have decided to decide soon to tell everybody we are getting married. that's right, ladies. your boyfriends will not be fucked by me anymore. it's a good feeling. to know you are getting married to the person you love, well, that's like climbing the everglades. i'm gonna buy her a diamond the size of a delicious porterhouse steak.

everyone has seen the shawshank redemption, no? frank darabont should stick to directing stephen king prison story adaptations. i hear he's planning a remake of shawshank with the same actors.

peter jennings died yesterday. if i could remember which one he was i'd probably give more of a shit. i never could remember which one was koppel, which one was rather, jennings, walters, etc. they were all such important people.

so another dicksuck is dead. i had money that karl malden would be the next celeb to kick the bucket. why do we really give such ass that celebrities die? i wouldn't even call pe-jen a celebrity. he was a guy on tv. no one recognized him outside his living room. i'm not glad he's dead but i'm not glad he's not not living, i'm just glad he's dead.

that's the best tribute i could do.

today's word is CRASS.

i'm out, big daddies. peace.

babies- the whore cancer

2005-08-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

here it is. i have found the secret to life: shutting up. that's it. only talk to certain people. people that you LIKE. that's the only type of person you should talk to. fuck those that you love. they are fucking dumb and will not tell you the truth. people that you don't like or hate will not tell you the truth either because they are fucking dumb, too.

i say all of this because, being a cashier, i run into a lot of people that i don't like. i hear about things that no man should ever hear. show, show, here we go:

- "what do you call a short mexican chick? cunt-sway-low. hardy har-cough-cough-spit-har."
- "don't be dumb like adam. girls don't like him because he's dumb and gay. i've been divorced twice and can't seem to fathom the idea that girls like a gentlemanly fellow. like my mohawk? i'm bret."
- "what does getting laid taste like, adam?"
- "you're looking really cut. are you cutting back on your carbs?"
- "have you lost weight? you're looking slim in the dick region of your body."
- "i've had such bad diarrhea for the past couple days. i just can't seem to quit running to the bathroom. it comes out like clam chowder. looks like it, too. my asshole feels like i sat on a fire hydrant that shoots fire instead of water. anyways, you want fries with that?"

gross. have you ever been spanked by a man? a naked man? okay, not naked, but he had a visible erection? yeah, me niether...

so, i'm $350 richer...

i've been thinking about how potent a social tool the block/delete is. there is nothing, and i mean nothing, that a block/deletee can do about it. the block/deleted are a grim bunch. here is liszt people who are, will be or should be block/deletards:

- melinda green (hopefully, is currently serving her b/d sentence in the trunk of some rapist's jetta.)
- john mayer (will be... SOON!)
- doug e. doug (never before has someone made a career IN hollywood ON nothing. die.)
- robert blake 'bip' sutton (i'm just tired of feeding on his tablescraps)
- an unnamed associate of my girlfriend (you know who you are and i know where you live.)
- ioan gruffudd (just fuck you, shithead.)

staind is releasing a new album called 'chapter V'. yeah, the other four were real page turners.

heather graham is one scary looking bitch sometimes

2005-08-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

lauren bacall said that nicole kidman was not a screen legend because she isn't old enough.

question: what movie was lauren bacall in?

she also said that tom cruise's behavior is "vulgar". i think she just has a problem with people lacking the ability to procreate.

the doors really, really suck. probably the most overrated band of all time. here is the thing: i can hear a doors song once and be done with it forever. why are they so heralded? i'll tell you why. everyone loves a gorgeous bad boy. everyone loved colin farrell but look at him now. he's in the movie version of miami vice. gnarly. at least jim morrison knew when to quit. other fellows of note who should've taken heed (list):

- richard grieco
- ?

well, that was a short list. what i was trying to say with that list is RICHARD GRIECO SHOULD'VE PULLED A RIVER PHOENIX.

i think richard grieco is co-starring with dean cain in a sci-fi channel original movie next week. i think he was the key grip in that film. look for him in tomorrow night's episode of 'the parkers'. he'll be playing hot dog vendor #2.

i've been told that my blogs are non-linear. that is there charm. leave me alone. you don't ask pete rose to stop gambling; don't ask adam atwood to stick to his guns.

you know the bitch that hangs around with your girlfriend? my girlfriend has one, too.

here is the unwritten code of junkies-

Kill all your brain cells, all the time. just fuck 'em.
Always find a way to fuck yourself out of good things
Stay, without welcome, at friends' houses for days at a time
Suck your parents' bank account dry
If ever in doubt, get high. it'll all go away

i will probably get some hate mail for releasing that much soughtafter info. but who the hell cares? i just did a truckload of meth and i'm gonna kill me a barber.

peace, y'all.

pbr bandits vs. the modelo monsters

2005-07-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

groucho! groucho marx may be the funniest man that ever lived. seriously, the afi overrates older comedies and comedic actors (bob hope, mickey rooney, charlie chaplin) but the marx bros. were funny. jonathan winters? sucks. buster keaton? sucks. steve martin? sucks (the jerk - king tut= sucks). just wanted to clear that shit stain up.

i think the unibrow is a parent's way of dealing from the bottom. they want to hold onto their good looks as long as possible. if their kid's a sexpot who the hell is gonna look at them? not me. i'm gonna be lookin' at the sexy motherfucker in the sandbox.

the amish are human coelacanth.

there has been a hispanic boom in seymour recently. i'm not complaining. it's not a bad thing. when mexican guys walk into a liquor store they are ecstatic. they can't say hello to me enough. it's the fucking hillbillies that i loathe. here is an example conversation with a mexican guy at busy bee liquors. we'll call him 'juan':

me: what's goin' on, man?
juan: OLA, AMIGO!!!!
me: OLA!!!!! qué puede yo conseguir para usted esta noche?
juan: modelo... 12... uh... case?
me: ésa es bien buena materia.
juan: sí. muy bueno.
me: usted es mi mejor amigo siempre. $15.00.
juan: le daré las llaves a mi casa.
me: gracias.

pleasant. just pleasant. now, here is a conversation with a hillbilly with the same setup. only modelo has changed... to pabst blue ribbon... and juan is now disgusting and lyle.

me: what's up, man?
lyle: fuckin' PBR!!!!! DUDE!!!! PBR!!!! YOU FUCKIN' FAGGOT!!!! PB FUCKIN' R!!!!!!
me: yepperdoodle.
lyle: fuckin' rodeo... monster truck... pie fer mama... hell, i ain't no good fer you. knowwhutameen?
me: ...
lyle: well, do ya? do ya know? knowwhutameen?!
me: $12.86
lyle: huh?!
me: $12.86...
lyle: (head cocked to the side like a spaniel)
me: $12.86... knowwhutameen?
lyle: hell, yeah, bitch!!! gimme PBR!!! WOO!!!
me: ok.

ok. there. i'm done.

goodnight, seymour

2005-07-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

in the fan photo section of the newest blender, there is a picture of a chinaman with stevie wonder. it may be the funniest picture ever. i laughed for an hour. i'm not shitting you.

i really don't think jokes are all that funny. don't get me wrong, chinaman, i love a good stand-up routine. but comedians don't really tell jokes. they tell stories. your mom tells all your aunts jokes. where'm i going with this???

Q: what's the only thing thing better than 10 dead babies stapled to a tree?
A: 1 dead baby stapled to 10 trees. that's what.

why are you laughing at that, dickhead? god, you are a dickhead.

okay. that joke was severely funny. why? because despite what bill cosby says, dead babies are much better joke fodder than living babies.

when i was growing up my dad had all sorts of nicknames for his buddies. he never liked the name 'dickhead' so he came up with a bunch of other ones that became synonomous with acquaintances of one george washington atwood. here is liszt:

top ten substitutions for 'dickhead' according to my dad, one george washington atwood

10. 'hosehead'(?!)
9. anything to do with the first letter of your first name. for instance, 'tacky tim'
8. 'turkey'
7. making a rhyme out of your first name with an actual word. i.e. 'slob rob'
6. 'shithead'
5. making a rhyme out of your first name with a word that doesn't exist, see 'faddum adam'
4. calling someone a name he isn't sure what the meaning is. such as 'dyke' or 'chink'
3. 'fagfucker'
2. 'knothead'
1. my personal favorite, 'shit for brains'

my dad also liked to call the people that he liked that weren't his friends 'cool deals'. the criteria you had to meet in order for my dad to think you were cool is interesting.

- you had to have an endless supply of booze and/or narcotics
- you cannot, CANNOT have a job
- if you do, you couldn't work more than he did or else he thought you were threatening his manhood
- you had to have a high tolerance for mockery, my dad's hobby
- no eye contact
- you had to own the complete bruce lee filmography, one (1) bill monroe and the bluegrass boys album, one (1) stainless steel flask, a wardrobe that consists of cut-off jeans and sleeveless t-shirts, and a garage to drink in

that's my daddy.

i just found out a guy i've worked with for a long time was found dead in his bathtub. i guess he'd been dead since friday. he was a good man and a fine purveyor of tasteless humor. i'd like to say goodbye to him.

michael cartwright, you will be sorely missed by me, marcus edens, brett carter and sara ellis for sure. if johnny and joe had gotten to know you, they'd miss you, too. peace out, brotha. i hope they have drugs and beer in heaven.

it smells like a dead body getting a perm

2005-07-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

here's the thing: i've watched anchorman about 76 times now (excluding the other 412 times because that would just be bragging (and not pathetic)) and i've realized i am just an unfilmed improvisational comedic actor. i am will ferrell and steve carell. i've got the chops. sit in on a session of 'writing' with john and i. you'll see.

i hate it when pre-teens come into the store. they ALWAYS steal. ALWAYS. this kid is some piece of work though. his friend is on the seperate end of the store trying to distract me. relax, kid. i'm blogging. i could give a fuck less about the grand funk railroad box set. he's walking out now. 10 pounds heavier. sorry, bret.

so what if my teeth are more crooked than a civil war headstone. so what if my feet smell like a dumpster full of dead cats. so what if i have the wiping skills of jim abbott. i may wear the same pair of shorts for days on end... i don't know.

seeing as how i am lacking sleep and the necess'ry, basic elements of comedic writing right now, i am going to give my fine-four-fingered devotees another list. and away we go:

top ten things simon le bon of duran duran (probably) thinks about himself (i hope)

10. i am as good looking as i once was. i hope tiger beat still thinks so, too.
9. tiger beat hasn't called me back... it's been 37 years... should i call them?
8. john (taylor, founding member of said duran) really looked good in tiger beat #11, vol. 6. as good as me??? nah.
7. i can still fit into those. can john taylor? nopers.
6. 'thank you' (laughable duran duran covers album) wasn't the most detrimental thing i've ever done. there was that time i skipped that tiger beat photo shoot. ah, well. i'm back on top...
5. duranmania was a lot like beatlemania with less recognizable musical skill. i'm just glad tiger beat doesn't discriminate.
4. 58 isn't too old to be on tig- get out of my head, aging process!!!!!
3. tiger beat will call! won't they, simon? yes, simon. they will. they are tiger beat. you are the lead singer of the greatest band of all time. they will call. remember rio? they WILL call.
2. CALL! CALL! CALL! CALL!
1. I NEED MY YOUTH BACK!!!!! GOD, I NEED MY YOUTH BACK!!!!!!!!

there. wasn't that pleasant? i think he's impotent.

bret just made me smell this cheese that smells exactly like a vagina. that's incredible.

whatcha got under the foil, mr. party pooper? some party poop?

2005-07-20T18:12:00.000-07:00

here is a list of the 10 most crude and rudimentary weapons ever-

10. rocks
9. knives
8. teeth
7. water
6. ropes
5. ink pens
4. papercuts
3. power tools
2. sand
1. bats

i butt-fucked at neverland and all i got was this lousy acquittal

2005-07-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

ok, that was funny.

now, on to business. i want you, america, to vote on which is funnier via comment. here are your choices:

blowjab or blowjam?

your vote ACTUALLY counts, america. you tell me which is funnier and i will enter it into the pop lexicon.

get cracking, gumshoes.

thurman merman out. peace.

"we don't cash checks ma'am. leave."- my buddy, ed brennan

2005-07-16T12:23:00.000-07:00

i had two jobs. now, i have three.

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so fucking tired i drank a bottle of ajax last night. not on accident. i wanted to kill myself. it was good though.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this was my schedule from thursday to sunday:

thursday- busy bee 9 p.m. to 3:20 a.m.
friday- applebee's 8 a.m. to 2:30 p.m., busy bee 9 p.m. to 3:30 a.m.
saturday- 13th floor 10 a.m. to 10 p.m.
sunday- applebee's 8 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.

frankenchrist! that is a lot of sexy hours. 37 hours and 50 minutes worth of other, lesser beings. damn it! i missed out on a poker game because i fell asleep... i only work 57.5% of this weekend, blowjab!

i have taken to becoming a detriment to my jobs. it's the only way they will stop calling me to come in. so when a customer asks me if we have a cd, i just point... or tell them we don't have it. there is only one way to run a business, i find.

this post is seriously lacking in the fall ass-first department.

cuntman's revenge

2005-07-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

i just found a really funny question:

aren't papier mache cuts the worst?

worst what?!?!? mache cuts? isn't that by default? what other maches are there? seriously? panty mache? egg mache? scissor mache? fucking volvo mache??!??!?!?!?!???!!

stupid questions irritate me and typing stops me...

i don't want to hurt anybody but i will hurt everybody

2005-07-11T17:28:00.000-07:00

i am going to burn a few bridges real quick.

to william bowser- you are ugly. that's why girls don't like you. you look like an unkempt version of everyone's shitty, slacker friend. you are a nice guy, though. but still, it's all about looks.

to melinda green- i have burnt this bridge a few times but this is for the hell of it. you, too, are ugly as can be. you HAD a nice ass but that, too, has gone the way of the buffalo. fuck you and your ridiculously misshapen nose.

to bip- bragging is easy. you are out of shape. fosters' beer sucks. try harder at the following: getting anything you brag about having, closing the fridge, getting better beer... and shaving.

to dad- you are 45 years old and you still flirt with 17 year old girls. you are your own alcoholic, poker buddy.

to mom- lay off of dad. he'll probably die soon.

to john- will you just drop out of college already? i'm jealous. give it up. you win.

to seymour, indiana- the mayor has finally changed your name at citizen's behest. you will from henceforth be known as crank, indiana. your main export will remain the same: crank. the town motto is now, "no, officer".

to the kids hanging outside of the pool hall- there may or may not be an upside to being kicked out of your girlfriends' baby daddy's house, but if there is... well, you'd know it.

to myself- okay, you have two jobs. you work 35 hours a week. shouldn't you be able to afford to make your girlfriend happy... sexually?!?!?!? oh, impotence is nothing to be ashamed of. your girlfriend becoming the town jizz jar is*.

well, i feel better.

now, i'm gonna go poop.

current listening: mom and dad- tapes of sweet nothings from our honeymoon vol. 1

soil is deep but the rewards are what kill you

2005-07-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

okay, kiddies and kitties, i have some splendid news for you but not me. i, adam atwood, do hereby solemnly swear to give you my old blogs from another site.

www.livejournal.com/users/aatwood

there. now, fuck off!

salt water chases the thirsties away

2005-07-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

hi, gang. back again, are we? well, you are shit out of luck because i haven't got a funny thing to say. so fuck you and the whores you rode in on.

okay, i'm sorry. that was just crass.

is it rape when you AND the person you are fucking are both drunk? i mean, she was asleep but she's my girlfriend. is that rape? what if she stopped hitting me? i'm not saying that is fact*... or maybe i am(?). all i know is that i was happier and she was sadder. so it was a normal night of drunken sex.

in like a lion, out like a lamb

love and kisses,
adam

current listening: adam atwood's hot band- misunderstanded the word 'no', baby

"this gun is really prophetic"- jfk, jr. "i love aeroplanes"- jfk

2005-07-02T17:36:00.000-07:00

it sucks when your friends are funnier than you are. my buddy, john, is the funniest fucking dick fuck that ever fucking walked this fucking planet. we have been best friends for a long time and it pisses me off like god damn mad when he is funnier than me, which is always. FUCK! it's almost like an oedipus complex only i want to kill my father to fuck my best friend.

he's all like, "i'm in college, adam. where's your college?" or "i plan on affording a place to live, adam. i'm in college." or "college is where the chosen ones go. nobody chose you. you were an accident. i'm in college."

college schmollege. college cheese. the last time i checked, you don't have to go to college to be famous. right, jesus? right, ghandi? "right," said fred? right, superman? right, cap'n crunch? right, rocky? right, dad?

overwhelmingly, the answer is yes.

as a matter of fact*, college is the place basketball players go after high school to leave early. why would basketball players, god's chosen people, go to college to leave early? you really have to question the system if black people aren't willing to stay.

i didn't mean any offense to blacks. i have a half black niece who fucking hates college. it was sort of a complement. i was complementing you.

that's it, i'm full. so are you.

current listening: luther vandross- i'm dead now so i CAN dance with my father

*- i highly suggest you read the rest of my blog before you can take down anything i say as fact, okay?

there is (probably) no reason to believe i'm gay

2005-07-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

okay, wearing a bikini top is not gay... for a girl! so why doth it have to be for a guy? everyone is all uppity when i put my girlfriends' bras on. my girlfriend, her mom, reverend holt... the list goes on. i think it's quite aight. "why is him wearin' dat den?" to quote ali g. because it is an article of clothing i say. and it's strictly for comfort.

i officially work at the two coolest places in seymour. busy bee liquors and 13th floor music.

- 2 jobs
- 30 hours on my timecard between the two
- 15 minutes of actual manual labor
- 40 mountain dews consumed in the time i am at work
- 2 blog postings, both while i am on the clock
- 25% discount on cd's at 13th floor
- 4, the number of beers i had before i clocked in at busy bee
- 30, the number of minutes it took for me to drink those beers before i had to clock in
- 5 dollars on the hour at 13th floor
- 7.5 dollars on the hour at busy bee
- 10 pounds gained since i started working at the two jobs
- 5 days since i've had both jobs

the sad thing about this whole ordeal is that the list is completely accurate. i am so satisfied.

current listening: sir mix-a-lot vs. skid row- baby got bach (i'm not joking)

sarcasm is a hard word to spell AND understand

2005-06-25T14:19:00.000-07:00

you know what? fuck you, assholes. i was right. dj's who mash-up songs that were already written are way better than the artists who create them. so fuck you, songwriters. you ain't nothin'.

"william randolph hearst! he died before he got to make a movie with rob lowe!"- mark allman

2005-06-25T10:10:00.001-07:00

okay, guys. you're right. i was wrong. i'm sorry. i should ALWAYS trust musicians. i'm a guitarist myself and i should respect me and my abilities above everyone else's. i just thought it was hurtful and mean that everyone sent all those negative posts to me. i was just trying to support the wonderful community of dj's. but alas, you were all right and i was wrong. dj's do suck. they are not real musicians. when i said, "it takes way more talent to hear one song and think it would sound good on top of another song(maybe more) than it does to just write any dumb, old song", what i meant was, "fuck dj's". i see how there is some ambiguity there. there were a lot of words. some people have trouble understanding big, ole sentences.

mash-upped potatoes

2005-06-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

i fucking lo-o-o-o-o-o-ve-ve-ve-ve-ve-ve-ve mashup songs. ve-ve-ve. there is this one with led zeppelin and snoop dogg. GOD!!!! it's soooooooo goooooodddddooodooooddddooododoood. i wanna shit my ability to comprehend creativity. these guys, dj's to the layperson, take one song and put it with another song. that is creativity at it's finest. seriously though, it takes way more talent to hear one song and think it would sound good on top of another song(maybe more) than it does to just write any dumb, old song. i mean wowfuck! these dj's should be heralded as the godlike beings that they are. every other musician should not even try. hear that, jimmy page? can your dope frazzled ears grasp what i'm saying, snoop dogg? milli? vanilli- oh, wait, he's dead. still, fuck off, milli! the only music i will be listening to from now on is going to be pirated, distorted, chopped up and, yet, recognizable so as to discourage so-called "real" musicians from making music anymore. take that, monkees.

current listening: michael jackson vs. madonna- bad music

tomorrow was the day i died

2005-06-06T17:46:00.000-07:00

the best parts of violent movies are the death scenes. period. wait, .. so i have compiled a list of the ways i'd like to die. if'n ya don' mind.

- knife fight with sonny barger
- car crash in columbus, indiana because i will return to haunt those cocksmokers
- sacrificial lamb for chubby checker to further his quest into the territory of grand szeralax which was promised to him posthumously upon visitation by anton lavey and anton hasn't materialized to us again... but we'll keep the faith that he will
- in a shootout with police
- accidentally falling to my death in a failed stunt during a pay-per-view wrestling extravaganza dressed like the son of a rooster and a gay fireman, owen hart

those would be cool ways to die, i think. no way is cool though. that's why i have chosen the path of the lord: to ride, shoot straight and speak the truth. the truth is that truth is a subjective term.

truth isn't even defined in the websters' or the bible. so what is this truth? is it a lie made up by your moms to decieve you? the truth is that it is. mom's never want their children to leave the home so they lie and say things like, "you'll never make it in the real world", "nobody thinks he's your son", and my perennial favorite, "no, i did not walk in on she and johnny having sex nine months before dylan was born causing him to prematurely ejaculate and impregnate telissa, completely nullifying your fatherhood, asshole". but that's my mama.

in fact, the truth is utterly useless as lying is innumerably more efficient. just think about the times you have called into work and said i've got a family crisis and they've given you the day off. scot-free. if you told the truth and told them you were sick you'd have to go get a doctor's slip and spend a ton of money for one day off of work. if you lie about it a) you spend nothing, b) you get a free day off work, c) you gain valuable dishonesty experience or d) you lose your job. but hey, if you're job wasn't worth risking everything you've gained to take a day off, it wasn't worth working at anyways.

that's my posting today. hey, john, let's get real drunk tonight.

current listening: sheryl crow- bicycle riders in cancer shorts

i want a magneto hands

2005-05-09T15:29:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking about how cool it would be to be able to just yank down stop signs and vinyl siding on houses at will. i thought that was cool at 3 a.m. yesterday anyway. so, i wondered aloud to myself, i must have a gravitational pull. (?) how does one go about acquiring a gravitational pull... but this post is not about that, my friends. this post is simply about the coolness and facts of owning your own gravitational pull, which will from henceforth be known as a magneto hands.

fact: in order to have a magneto hands you absolutely must have a minimum density of 4 kilotons.
explanation: the moon has a magneto hands that tug at the earth, thus causing waves in the ocean and bungee jumpers to spring towards the moon. if the moon had half a brain it would pull people to it's surface so we could live there. it must be lonely. the sea of tranquility should be called the sea of boredom.

fact: in order to escape the effects of a magneto hands you must weigh less than air.
explanation: souls go to heaven, not the moon. not only that but souls don't remain on earth... and the earth has a magneto hands. see?!

fact: a magneto hands is not the cause of tidal waves.
explanation: tidal waves are caused by too many toilets flushing at once.

i hope i explained things well enough.

god, having a magneto hands would be so fucking cool!!!

alright. the best things in life are super nintendo games. remember bill laimbeer's combat basketball? they just took the things bill laimbeer liked to do the most and combined them into one amazing video game. they should do that for everybody. i smell list.

-chuck berry's voyeur singalong
-liza minelli's pill popping marriage to men of ambiguous sex preference
-p. diddy's theft and stroke dance spectacular
-chubby checker's twist and sacrifice
-ted williams' cryogenic baseball 2005
-pope john paul II's there is no escape from god

that's it from me, gang. i'm out. peace.

yeah, well maybe you should fuck off, officer

2005-05-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

the level of respect that judas priest fans give rob halford is the amount of respect that police officers in seymour, indiana expect. what they get is a slightly less. we look at the cops like dogs look at peanut butter: oh shit, this'll take an hour. so fuc-fuc-fuck the police.

i had an entry a while back about the impracticality of nicknames for cops. it's four letters, one syllable. saying johnny law, lawdog, pokies, po-po's, the five-o, etc. is just unnecessary. cops. cops. cops! cops!! cops!!! fucking cops!!!

fuck!!!

current listening: paul mccartney- luck like salieri

a friend returns home, a nose is broken, a manager is unaware, a blog is written

2005-04-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

here is what i think about hanging out with my best friend-partner-in-crime-hyphen-afficianado-buddy, john. john is a lot like a fine wine: the better he gets with time. he and i went with some of my other friends all went to play poker the other day and those three hours were filled to the brim with in-jokes and remarkable humour and good humour TM.

nobody likes john the first five minutes they know him. NOBODY. but everyone eventually loves him. EVERYONE. this got me thinking about what i can relate johnny to.

john risley is ass sex manifest. john risley is picking a scab. john risley is shitting the morning of the worst hangover ever.

if god has an answer to everything his answer to me is definitely condoms. c'mon! seriously, there's nothing to worry about. i can't have kids... anymore. like i told you, i lost my nuts.

has anyone heard that melissa etheridge survived breast cancer? it's great to see that david crosby's baby's dad is going to be okay.

i saw three women fight the other day. god damn! it looked like a tarantino fight. these women were landing punches carl weathers would attempt to grimace at if his meager acting ability would allow him to show anything but bravado and fatigue.

i am so tired. i am working right now! i am at work! i am at fucking work! this is what i do! i am going to collect money for this! i really have no right to complain about bush and cheney because i have a job that requires me to find fun things to do. sort of like what they do.

i have to smoke. in the time that it will take me to smoke this cigarette i can replace it and get him two friends with the money i make while smoking him. i took the time to figure it up. yeah, i fucked around with this post AND wrote up an equation involving the number of cigarettes i could pay for in the time that i will take smoking one(assuming i do not change brands from my beloved marlboro 27's) AND i will still have four hours left to watch tv... AT WORK!!! laziness and avarice are the foundation for a good employee, i find.

updates are sporadic. get them while you can.

current favorite t-shirt idea: (front) vote for perdo

the secret star of ebony hearts

2005-02-24T19:29:00.000-08:00

irony: 1. the use of words to express the opposite of the literal meaning. 2. incongruity between the actual and expected result of events.

it's a tricky word, i think. i sometimes have trouble making a discrepancy between irony and bummer. alanis morrissette seemed to have it... but she was completely off-base.

i remember back in the days of my awkard, prepubescent youth when irony was defined as follows:

Q: why did the chicken cross the road?

A: to get to the other side.

the pinnacle of irony at 5 years old. life didn't seem to have a more distorted fate for that chicken in mind. i learned that the age old question and corresponding answer was no closer to irony than alanis' song.

i did learn of irony though. the man who taught me? oh, he goes by cherubic moniker, patton oswalt. maybe you've heard of him. don't you just envision a short, stocky homosexual when you hear that name? i do.

if you have trouble understanding irony, and everyone not named patton oswalt or john risley does, go out and buy feelin' kinda patton by patton oswalt. the best cd purchase you will make this side of the b.c. even he gets a bit disorganized on the principles of irony but, alas, he makes up for it.

now, i am a huge tool, or so i gather from my telepathy, so i will say this: i am a walking commercial. if i amn't reciting the motorcycle salesman commercial or the band-aid jingle, i am most certainly telling people what to buy. so if that makes me a tool, buy american, for american.

sincerely,
crud bonemeal a.k.a. bolt vanderhuge

worst weeks are the worst

2005-02-13T20:49:00.000-08:00

ok. this has been the worst week of my entire life. i will put this in list form.

-i got suspended and eventually fired from work for working later than what my schedule proposed.

-i got hemmorhoids.

-i just found out magic johnson is gay.

-i heard the song "the reason" by hoobastank once.

-i am being sued by the schneck memorial hospital. this means that i will now go to the hospital every fucking day for the rest of my life and say i've got rickets.

-i have, let me check my bank account, one lottery ticket worth $5 to my name.

-have you ever had a car door slammed against your shins? well, guess which seven day period that happened to me on.

-i haven't showered for nigh on 4 days.

-i got bronchitis. so, this means that i couldn't even enjoy the week off of work.

-i got a new job in columbus. columbus is like the diseased carcass of a 400 lb. man with a considerable amount of urine on it's streets.

-it was blue collar comedy weekend on comedy central, thus proving that tsunami's can make mistakes, too.

that was my week. it was awful. that is my post. brevity is short.

current listening: michael madsen- "groan", "grunt"

sasquatch vs. the bad news bears vs. adam's ego vs. emo kids and the money-go-round

2005-01-17T21:34:00.000-08:00

one bad apple has to spoil the whole goddamn bunch. i can't go to harlem anymore, what with my head being shaved. i recently went to kentucky fried chicken and everyone was looking at me from under their brows. so, thank you, ku klux klan. you are really making a difference.

racists are a lot like moped owners: the only ones that like them belong to that shitty, exclusive club of retards that just got their tax checks and bought a shiny, red moped because i lost my license last week.

serving food is the worst occupation. i smell old people and get paid for it. i would rather be elbow deep in shattered glass than peruse another pile of sagging flesh. oh, well. i can dream...

emo kids take heed: nobody actually likes any of your bands. so stop watching the o.c. for all the latest rage in shoegazing soundtracks. if i hear some haircut tell me one more time how fucking great pretty girls make graves (a morrissey song, ughhh) or death cab for cutie or kiss ass for sadness or wrist slice patrol or dump me in acid for i am pitiful... nevermind.

i am out like a boner in gym shorts.

current listening: the new radicals- does ANYONE remember us?

this is the new national anthem of the united states of amerirock!

2005-01-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

this is fucking atomic dynamite, motherfuckers!
(wicked riffing begins)

your mind in a jail
your ass in a hell
the pain in your mind
you never can tell

kickin' the habit
kickin' some ass
i'm gonna cut your head with a motherfuckin' glass

why!?
'cause this is teenage death fight!
why?!
'cause i'm atomic dynamite!

i wanna be drunk
i wanna be dead
i wanna wanna wanna wanna make you be dead

why?!
'cause i am super-fuck-outta-sight!
why?!
'cause i'm atomic dynamite!

livin' for freedom
freedom to live
punching all the victims
america rules!

why?!
'cause you are no fucking dolemite!
why?!
'cause i'm atomic dynamite!

teenage atomic catastrophe is never here except now, motherfuckers!

(wicked riffing ends)

the best poets don't know what the word 'modesty' means

2004-12-18T22:02:00.000-08:00

i think cops are hip to the lingo, gang. whether you call them cherries and berries, bacon, the fuzz, the heat, po-po's, etc., they are in on the secret language of miscreants and no-goodniks. here's an idea! let's call them, get this, COPS! that is, after all, what they are. it goes along the same line as chink, nigger, spick, wop, wetback, beaner, taco, kykes and blue gums. those names all went the way of the buffalo. well, except in alabama, mississippi, utah and europe. but even so, we escaped the totalitarian bullshit of europe before. why can't we do it again? just fucking stop making up exasperating nicknames for cops, hippies. it's one fucking syllable and the secret is out. the cops now know you are talking about them. 'tis but wasted breath.

i fucking hate hippies. there was a reason for hippies back in the day. there was a dire need for counter culture of any sort in the 60's. lenny bruce, bob dylan, jack kerouac, alan ginsburg. but now they exist solely to not work and smell like turds. mexicans is what they are.

i wrote a song.

the last of the real-
if the moon wishes to shine
it should have written the bible
the sun can't dance anymore
you can't hold me liable

if the stars start to explore
what are men to do
jupiter comes only once
think of the chances you blew

"the last of the real astronauts has died today"
planets stand up to say

if god goes on vacation
would he go to jamaica?
would he put our sins on hold?
would he ask to take ya?

"the last of the real poets has written today"
god stands up to say

ok. i think the nobel prize should be handed over. this song... there is so much beauty and truth to this song, i think. i have given you a gift today. a gift of humility. you should be humiliated to try and write anything as good as this. because this is good. this song will take me to the heirarchy of songwriters.

that is my song. this is my farewell.

current listening: nigel beeftink- moyass izurtin

all those lonely people who can't laugh at a guy in a tinkerbell shirt can go to hell

2004-12-16T15:08:00.000-08:00

okay, there are, in fact, few things funnier than a man in a girl's shirt. one of them being a naked man. deny it. i fucking dare you. let's take a look back, shall we. do you remember old school? the scene that will ferrell goes streaking is arguably the most memorable. when you think of old school, you think of his naked ass. in 1974, when david niven is presenting an oscar, a nude fellow is scene running across the stage in some ridiculous, albeit funny, protest. jackass is chock-full of naked man-boys. the statue of david is a lesson in futility and hilarity. the next funniest thing, and all of this is proven in the christian science newsletter i get every month, is a man in a giant diaper. from the pictures of me at my friend dan's house party to your grandpa's spastic colon, laughter, and occasionally stink, fills the air.

i have decided to make this THE topic of THE blogpage of ALL time because i wore a woman's tinkerbell shirt to work today. it was ripe with comic prospect, so i had to. i am listening to the shittiest album i've ever heard. sorry to sway from topic but god almighty. the animals did a greatest hits album without eric burden. they rerecorded all of the big hits of their career and it sounds like joe cocker singing over the demo button of a casio. anyway, i forgot where i was, so i'll move on.

i have been pretty testy lately. i think it's due to the insufficient sex i've been getting. which is none, thank you very much. people will ask me for the simplest things and i just flip out. to those people, i am truly sorry. but i ain't a-gettin' no booty. i have been jerking off so much i'm beginning to cum powder. and my hands are like veal. my t-shirts are starting to smell, too.

vacuuming my floor is like sweeping the goddamn siberian desert. there is this funk eminating from my floor and i can't tell if it's milk, mold or ass. because there's a lot of each on my floor, if you get my drift... but you probably think i'm lying... about the MILK!

that's my post.

but i don't need no friends as long as i gaze on waterloo sunset

current listening: blasphemy trio- three men on a mountain getting it on

disrespecting the unexpected

2004-12-07T13:49:00.000-08:00

i like lists. i like for people to know what i think the best things in life are. nay, i want to people to KNOW what the best things in life are. if you disagree, fine. so, without further adeu(?). ado? adieux? without further time... passing... here is my list of the top ten handicaps, physically and mentally, in movie history.

10. harold russell in the best years of our lives- this guy had fucking hooks for hands! that is AWESOME. his uncle was hoagy carmichael! he got drunk with dr. jekyll! did God decide that this guy should live the coolest life a retard could possibly live? Jesus God! call the cops!

9. dustin hoffman in rain man- i fucking hate judge wopner, but counting cards is awesome. that gets him some serious retard points.

8. phillip seymour hoffman in anything- yeah, he has downs' syndrome. you didn't know? look at his sloping brow and unkempt lips and tell me he's not a downs' syndrone.

7. tom cruise in born on the fourth of july- a moving portrayal of a vietnam vet returning home with no legs. the only flaw in tom cruise's performance is his inability to procreate.

6. giovanni ribisi and juliette lewis in the other sister- if God ever forgot to make two people retards, it's these two.

5. jodie foster in nell- the female buckwheat.

4. tom hanks in the terminal- i couldn't understand a damn thing he was saying the entire movie. it was whistles and bells to me. i just thought it was great that stanley tucci didn't treat hanks like a div. he treated him like any other person. let that be a lesson to you all: the mental deserve to be treated the same as any other criminal.

3. daniel day-lewis in my left foot- this is the best performance i have ever seen in a movie, period. no joke about it. daniel day-lewis is incredible.

2. gary sinise in forrest gump- beating out the obvious is lt. dan. for the longest time i thought gary sinise had no legs. i found out that he did when i discovered a little thing we call "technology". "technology" can do almost anything but it can't program the vcr without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself. catch it, john?

1. billy bob thornton in sling blade- the retard cup goes to carl childers. remember, there are no winners here, but there are ten losers.

that was the list. i am sure that if this gets in the eyes of anyone that doth not recognize sarcasm and parody, i will get hate mail. i am not worried however. retards can't type and no one likes retards that aren't in film. so send your crayon drawings of corky hanging on the cross to my email. it is located to your right. your other right.

current listening: the sodomarmy- disneyland, ho!

some people need a cause to be productive; i need a cigarette

2004-12-06T20:42:00.000-08:00

non-smokers, listen up. i am gonna change your life and enamel. i know you've seen the ads in tv and magazines for TRUTH. no? well, what they do is take worst case scenarios and make promote them as the norm, (no, not norm macdonald, nor a sandwich named after said macdonald) but the everyday, the orthodox, the commonplace. anyway, here, to trivialize life and health, i am.

first off, smoking is the coolest thing a human can do. the coolest thing a superhuman can do is destroy an entire skyscraper by hand... while smoking a tasty marlboro no. 27. mmmm. incidentally, the uncoolest thing man or superman can do is anything with a virginia slim.

next, may be the most intriguing discovery since democracy. i LOVE dr. pepper. i LOVE marlboro 27's. i was having one of each one day and found the distinct taste of peanut butter. isn't that great? if that doesn't start you on your way to lt. blacklung's graveyard, i don't know what will.

finally, smoking causes (lards, take heed) weight loss. food tastes worse, you work way harder to do things, no one will date you and you think it's because you're fat. that's awesome, disregarding the lack of sex and loss of money. i used to weigh 200 lbs., proudly. now i weigh an anorexic 194. i have never simultaneously felt better and worse.

ok, i hope you are smoking. don't listen to those TRUTH ads. they are the farthest thing from the truth. the REAL truth is that smoking makes you skinny, cool and dateless.

that was today's post. and this is today's exit.

current listening: the men- we are fuck you

the eighth wonder of the world is first in my book

2004-12-05T21:29:00.000-08:00

it is my first posting on a blogsite in a coon's age and i apologize in advance if i sound rusty or inexperienced. but i will be damned before i apologize for being tacky.

i am indeed the eponymous eighth wonder.

is it wrong to have such disdain for the less fortunate? i mean, i am an unfortunate person so i think i have a right. there are few below me and many above. there is a firm belief in the atwood ilk that should you find yourself in an unenviable state in life to hate recklessly. just toss your hatred around. i hear all this talk of love and not nearly enough of hate. seriously. we have to balance things out. i say, "go to iraq, mr. bush. fuck 'eem." and "you're fired." not in the playful, donald trump way. i mean in the life wrecking, acting out of position way. especially if you are firing someone for hatred of their person, which i have done a study on and over 62% of all employee terminations that result in lawsuits are ended thusly. acting out of hate doesn't always end well though. sometimes it can have repercussions. figure 1-a, person 1 hates ice cream. person 2 convinces 1 to enjoy a delicious baskin-robbins sundae that he laced with poison. person 1 dies. it is just sad when ice cream haters are murdered by anti-ice cream haters extremists. what an ill fate.

how do we know that smoking causes lung cancer? because SCIENCE tells us? tell me this, how often has science told you not to enjoy a delicious baskin-robbins sundae? not only that stone solid point but let's be generous and say that 70% of all cases of lung cancer were caused by smoking.

i think that post went well. here's to more.

current listening: mustard fart station- shitty purdue univershitty blues